Gentleman caller

Kansas City Times, May 18, 1889. I’m guessing this one never got to court.

Fait divers

Macon Telegraph, June 17, 1889. Can you believe it? We’re talking here about an average sororal poundage of 175. And yet, this is a mere bagatelle in relation to some of the ensuing prodigies. For example:

Her silken undergarments afire

Salt Lake Telegram, June 3, 1922. Is it because Salt Lake City is a faraway foreign capital that I cannot make heads or tails of what should be a straightforward bit of scandal-mongering?

She fainted while her underwear was on fire. Sheesh, what a mystery are the autonomous functions of the human body! But how odd that her dainties should catch fire and not the rest of her clothing. (Is silk particularly flammable, compared to other pre-synthetic fabrics?)
Then again, perhaps she was wearing only her underwear at the time–that would help explain their exclusive and limited combustion.
Or maybe she wasn’t wearing them at the time: She might have built a symbolic bonfire of her knickers on the hotel room floor before shooting the dude and herself.
The questions multiply the mysteries. . .
Anyway, I’m guessing “hotel attaches” are to house dicks as sanitary engineers are to garbagemen. Or maybe “attache” applies only to house dicks small enough to fit through transoms. But now let’s proceed to the intriguing literary aspects of the story.

Bait and Switch: This American Life

Yours truly is a contributer to this week’s installment of Public Radio International’s This American Life. I’ll be the guy talking about the non-existent pizzeria. If you miss the broadcast, you can get caught up with the podcast.

It’s a swamp thing, you wouldn’t understand. . .

Atlanta Constitution, October 14, 1899. An inoffensive negro you say? Oh, the humanity!

“It’s people like you what causes unrest”

Chicago Tribune, November 18, 1913. Let us now all remember Frank Coleman for what he was–a mink-lined douchebag with a solid-gold nozzle.
Less than a month after Frank was thus getting his yuks, some other yob scored far greater success with the same gag in Calumet, Michigan.

The Amazon of Illinois

Chicago Tribune, November 11, 1913. I mourn this lost Chicago, a city where a well-read, shotgun-wielding spinster lady could squat, farm and defend the boundaries of her river island for a decade before attracting the attention of the authorities.

God don’t make mistakes

Atlanta Constitution, January 22, 1890. In colonial New England, the birth of such a monster would typically inspire suspicions that some man had had carnal relations with the mother. The freakish progeny would be scrutinized for clues as to the identity of the malefactor. The penalty for bestiality was hanging, but first the condemned man would have to watch his animal consort killed before his eyes. And no, I’m not making this shit up.

In behalf of scientific progress, truly yours. . .

American Phrenological Journal, June 1865. Yes, even the American Phrenological Journal occasionally got things wrong.

See monkey, be monkey

Medical & Surgical Reporter, October 9, 1869. Pre-natal care has changed a fair bit over the years.