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Category Archives: Madness

The Compaq 6510b is has gone back home again to the Hewlett-Packard repair facility, so they’ll be no posts for the nonce. Meanwhile, here’s an account of how I attained my profound knowledge of things gastronomic. I’m appending some relevant images that the Chicago Reader couldn’t find room for on the Internet. Read More »

Kansas City Star, April 29, 1908. Sacrificing children isn’t just for Satanists, don’t you know.
Hmm, not a lot of clues as the exact denomination here, but I’m guessing they weren’t high Anglicans.
God can’t get up off the couch and smite his own five-year-old girls? For that matter, couldn’t he provide his servant Bachman with a first name?
“The Smiths and Bachman” has an odd ring to it, considered from a rock angle. No good could have possibly come from such an unholy combination.
Again, frustrating vagueness as to the doctrines and origins of “this new religion.”

Oog. Dating Oom the Omnipotent doesn’t look like such a bad choice all of a sudden.
Atta boy, Bachman: keep punchin’! No looking back!

Washington Post, January 22, 1906. Again we see this reflexive assumption that the attacker is crazy, despite the fact that there are any number of precedents for his claim in Scripture. Why, God rarely goes two pages in the Old Testament without putting out a hit on somebody, or ordering up a big-budget genocide for that matter. Read More »

Atlanta Constitution, January 31, 1907. “Undersized,” hey? Well, you never know who the Big Fella is gonna deputize to serve His mysterious ways. And someone was definitely looking out for Harry Howard when that angry mob came knocking. Shooting four guys and burning down the billiard hall would have been a pretty strong case for ol’ Judge Lynch in Wild West Virginia circa 1907.

Norwich Courier, November 8, 1826. I love the white-gloved, pornography-for-Puritans delicacy of that two-sentence preamble. “We shall barely mention some particulars as we understood them” is also quite good. Read More »

SingularNew York Tribune, January 18, 1857. Boy, they just don’t publish blind items like this anymore. The third paragraph seems to proceed from the premise that women cannot be impregnated in their sleep. But if Sis was asleep at the time of her incestuous ruination, how did her cries arouse her mother and other in-mates of the house? It’s a puzzler, no doubt.

kc star 12 29 86Kansas City Star, December 12, 1886. Mince pie, as we’ve seen, was known to cause bad dreams, but in particularly susceptible folk it seems to have induced clairvoyant hallucinations as well. Read More »

tucson cit 6 4 06Tucson Citizen, June 6, 1904. I’m surprised to learn that Youngstown once had an “aristocratic” sector. I got stranded there once and it struck me as an undifferentiated shit hole.

ate babyWashington Post, August 2, 1904. If you were omniscient and omnipotent, how many times would this happen on your watch? Zero, that’s how many, unless you’re the BTK Killer. So either God isn’t omniscient/omnipotent (in which case he isn’t God) or he’s the BTK Killer. Q.E.D.

crazy hedAI had to forage for more info on gun-wielding lunatic Thomas Lobb, and hully gee, was it ever worth it. The Onion-esque headlines above are from the Los Angeles Times for June 22, 1905. Ensuing reportage is excerpted from the San Francisco Chronicle of the same date. Read More »