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Okay, so I’ve roughed out a provisional draft of alternate lyrics to “My Favorite Things” for our own Jackie of Finland to record, per our contractually-binding exchange in this comment thread. I’m also in negotiations to get the two surviving Seidlitz Brothers to dub some backing vocals, though according to their agent, Shlomo’s voice box is pretty much shot from three packs of Chesterfields a day since the McKinley administration. No matter: that’s why God made Pro Tools and the electrolarynx.

I’m kind of going back and forth on the first verse here, as it lacks the 100% concrete historicity that the other verses have. Though maybe I could fix that by nailing down concrete references to back it all up.

Barrel-clad hobos and window-ledge pastries
Irish patrolman and drunks with the DTs
Blackguards and maidens and oncoming trains
These are a few of my favorite thangs

Phials of acid in ex-lovers’ faces
Naked wild women in desolate places
Negroes with blue gums who kill when they bite
This is a load of my favorite shite

Mince pies for breakfast, and luncheon, and dinner
Corpses injected to make their eyes glimmer
Med school students defiling the dead
This sort of thing tends to fuck with my head

Cuckqueaned wives killing spinster cult leaders
Cats sold as rabbits to unwitting eaters
Show-offs igniting their cee-gars with bills
These are symptoms of society’s ills

When the dog brings
Dynamite back

When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I feel truly bad

Jackie: Far be it from me to impinge on your creative process, but I was thinking this would work best Lento assai and in a minor key.


  1. oh that goats blood baby

    • “when i was a boy I did a very stupid thing”

  2. Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into? 🙂

    I was planning to do my best Julie Andrews impression, but I can’t imagine her ever saying “fuck”. This should be amusing.

    “Far be it from me to impinge on your creative process, but I was thinking this would work best Lento assai and in a minor key.”

    Unfortunately, the only accompaniment I have is a karaoke track from the original soundtrack, so I’m kind of stuck doing it in the original key and tempo (unless we have any instrumentalists or digital musicians who could whip something up for us).

  3. Also, I’m going to have to consult a dictionary. There are some words here I’m not sure how to pronounce, including “cuckqueaned”. And is “phials” one syllable or two?

  4. Cuckqueaned = 3 syllables. It’s cuckolding for the ladies.

    Phials = 2. It’s just “vials” + f sounds.

    Karaoke instrumentation–even better! Especially with your best Julie impression. The other artsy stuff we can leave to the remix & mash-up crowd. I can tell this is gonna be a monster hit. Be prepared to quit your job, go on tour, throw TVs out of hotel windows etc.

  5. Considering all I’ve seen from my last Internet parody hit are some hilariously creative adaptations, I’m not holding my breath on the fame and fortune thing. (And yes, that is me singing the female vocals. I recorded it with a friend of mine in the summer of 1999.)

    • Wow,you’ve got a proven viral track record. Outstanding.

  6. Thanks. 🙂

    I have a few changes to suggest:

    Med school students defiling the dead Canny med students defiling the dead

    When I’m feeling sad
    I simply remember my favorite things
    And then I feel truly bad

    With each passing fad
    I think about all the bad news from the past
    And then I feel twice as bad.

    Also, we have a problem: the original has three verses and then the chorus, with the whole thing sung twice. So either we have to trim one verse, or write two more. I vote for the latter option, and I will see what I can come up with.

    • Yes: more is more.

  7. Upon scanning the archives of “Stuff people actually used to do”, I realized it would be a shame if we didn’t include a reference to Cocaine for the Eyes of Firemen. The unwritten law and lusus naturae would also be good to include.

    • Good point.

  8. Here’s what I came up with:

    Major league baseball teams on the toboggan/Vampire autos …(need something here)/
    Drops of cocaine placed in firemen’s eyes/This sort of thing doesn’t sound very wise

    Rich ladies plummeting from high rise windows/Confidence robbers and padlock bet bunko/
    Evansville girls with their mouths full of wax/Back in those days they were really on crack

    I’d really like to get in a reference to baby farming, but I’m not sure where it would fit.

    • This is great. Let me get out my rhyming dictionary and see what pairs with “toboggan.” “Snoggin”?
      Wait, wait! “Floggin'”!

      Major league baseball teams on the toboggan/Maryland wifebeaters bound for a floggin’

  9. Perfect! I’ll try to get something recorded this weekend.

    • I cannot wait.

        • Jackie
        • Posted January 25, 2010 at 4:41 pm
        • Permalink

        Unfortunately, the world is going to have to wait a little while before we unleash release our new hit-I’m sick. Once I recover I’ll get this recorded.

        • mrparallel
        • Posted January 25, 2010 at 6:55 pm
        • Permalink

        Drink plenty of glog, take a sauna, apply birch branches liberally and call me in the morning. I mean get well soon, J of F.

  10. Can you use “tough sloggin'” vis a vis baby farming?That might be good.
    Also , as I recall , Mr. P., you mentioned Bjork a while back.She sang an awesome version of the song in that movie she was in a few years ago. Can’t recall the show , although it garnered the acclaim.She sang the song while in the depths of despair;it was the best part of the movie.

    • You’re talking Dancer in the Dark? It was chockablock with musical numbers and despair.

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