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Columbus Enquirer, July 9, 1909. I sympathize with this young woman, but at the same time I find the sheer mythological purity of her plight insanely pleasing.


  1. Well, at least she didn’t get tied to the railroad tracks. However, she did walk past a drunk guy who rubbed his eyes and then threw a jug marked “XX” over his shoulder, and then somebody accidentally swallowed alum and his head got really tiny.

    • The clothes thief evaded arrest by putting on lipstick and a wig, batting his eyelashes at the Irish patrolman and simpering in a broad Southern belle accent.

        • Wendy
        • Posted January 14, 2010 at 1:44 pm
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        Oh, please continue… the suspense is killing me.

        What happened to the clothes thief and the Irish patrolman and the man with the XX jug with the tiny head?…

        such good stories here..

  2. Ok, I seriously thought this only happened in cartoons. Why a barrel, for crying out loud? Why not a sheet, a tablecloth, anything made of some non-rigid material?

    • Stay tuned: All will be explained in the fullness of time.

        • Kibo
        • Posted January 14, 2010 at 11:56 pm
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        Well, in cartoons, they probably used barrels because they’re easier to draw and/or animate (if you can call that animation.) It’s like how Yogi Bear spent most of his time sliding back and forth behind neck-high shrubbery, except in that one cartoon where he drank the invisibility potion which prevented the need for any animation. Today, we see the same principles of Not Trying in many Web comics.

        As to why people did this in real life, it’s obvious: A barrel was the only sort of outerwear that could go over the crate you wore as underwear. Hence a popular vaudeville punchline of the era, “Hey, Ernie keep your loins crated!” from the classic Seidlitz Brothers routine, “Ow, That’s Got Corners Down There!”

        • mrparallel
        • Posted January 19, 2010 at 5:11 pm
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        My favorite Seidlitz bro was Isadore. His triple spit-take sets the bar.

  3. Couldn’t she have just given her a couple of the pies cooling in her open window? Hey , any records of someone lighting a cigar with a flaming bill while dressed in a barrel? That would be soooo ironic.

    • Barrel-clad hobos and window-ledge pastries/Irish patrolman and drunks with the DTs/Blackguards and maidens and oncoming trains/These are a few of my favorite thangs

        • Jackie
        • Posted January 15, 2010 at 11:25 am
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        I love it! Somebody write the rest of the verses and I’ll record it for you.

  4. Holy smokes, you’re a recording artist too? (Hey, what’s Björk really like? And is it true she’s going to buy up Iceland and put it back on a paying basis?)

    • Not professionally, but I’ve done a good bit of singing, primarily opera and musical theatre.

      I think Björk is involved in a furious bidding war with the creators of Lazytown for Icleand.

        • mrparallel
        • Posted January 16, 2010 at 9:06 am
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        I hope Robbie Rotten throws a spanner in the works.

        • mrparallel
        • Posted January 17, 2010 at 5:32 am
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        Verse two:

        Phials of acid in ex-lovers’ faces / Naked wild women in desolate places
        Negroes with blue gums who kill when they bite
        This is a load of my favorite shite

  5. Mince pies for breakfast, and luncheon, and dinner.

    (Sorry, I’ve only got a half verse.)

    • Mince pies for breakfast, and luncheon, and dinner/
      Corpses injected to make their eyes glimmer/
      Med school students defiling the dead/
      This sort of thing tends to fuck with my head

      I just realized I don’t know how the chorus goes, neither melodically nor lyrically.

        • Jackie
        • Posted January 20, 2010 at 10:10 am
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        The original chorus is:

        When the dog bites/
        When the bee stings/
        When I’m feeling sad/
        I simply remember my favorite things/
        And then I don’t feel so bad.

        We should start a new thread for these so they don’t get lost in the comments.

        • mrparallel
        • Posted January 20, 2010 at 12:30 pm
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        Say no more!

  6. Cuckqueaned wives killing spinster cult leaders
    Cats sold as rabbits to unwitting eaters
    Show-offs igniting their cee-gars with bills
    These are symptoms of society’s ills

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