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I’m a bit too swamped to restock the Chest today, but I do have some new and partially recycled content up over at the new annex hosted by the Chicago Reader. Feel free to throw up some comments there: The noise of chirping crickets is becoming unnerving.


  1. Remember, you can gauge the temperature of the room by counting the chirps of the crickets and applying a simple ten-page formula. That gives you the temperature in Metric Fahrenheit, which can be converted to either real Fahrenheit or real Metric with equally simple differential equations, yielding a result within three weeks. If you can’t wait that long to know whether you’re cold, the final step is to grind up several hundred crickets, melt their carapaces down into a glass-like substance, and then draw it into a tube, which you then fill with mercury. Calibrating this cricket thermometer with your existing thermometer should allow you to use it to find out exactly what temperature it is, unless it disagrees with your normal thermometer, in which case you’ll have to make a third thermometer so that you can apply science’s “best out of three” algorithm. Anyway, that’s why those damn crickets are our friends.

    Also, you can use cockroaches to determine anyone’s Myers-Briggs type, but that’s beyond the scope of this poorly-structured limerick. We now return to our regularly scheduled program of cricket music, live from Nantucket.

    • Well this is news I can use. I’ve been depending on the Phibes Protocol, which entails pouring a thick reduction of brussel sprout extract on the face of a narcotized nurse through the ceiling of the apartment above, then timing how long it takes for a swarm of locusts to eat her face off. Sure, it’s accurate, but also unwieldy.

        • Kibo
        • Posted January 6, 2010 at 1:27 am
        • Permalink

        Re-enacting Vincent Price films is fun. I’ve always wanted some madman to re-enact “Theater of Blood” just for the meta-hipness involved in re-enacting Price re-enacting Shakespeare.

        By the way, why is it that if you do it once, it’s “acting”, but if you do it twice, it’s “re-enacting”? At what stage do “enacting” and “reacting” fork away from the other two words during the series of murders?

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