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eyesThe American Magazine of Wonders and Marvelous Chronicle, 1809. Aw, that’s nuthin: I’ve got a mole shaped kinda like a semicolon.

But is that a great magazine title or what?



  1. I was just thinking that I’d trade pretty much the entire contents of my local newstand for one *Wonders and Marvelous Chronicle.*

    It’s only a matter of time before eye tattoos become required for all truly misunderstood young persons . . . then we’ll be seeing lines from Smiths’ songs inscribed in the irids of emo kids everywhere.

    • Too right about the tattoos: the bar just keeps rising and rising. Surely not The Smiths though–that’d be as arcane and archaic as getting a Yip Harburg lyric in your eye. No it’ll be something awful and new that you and I will blessedly have heard of.

      But this age will at least offer the appropriate nanotechnology to safely engrave young peoples’ eyeballs. It had occurred to me when I found the above item that the sensation surrounding these cases would have surely inspired a few entrepreneurs to take a stab at fabricating their own miracle eyeball children out of orphans and whatever other resources lay close at hand. I’ve got a related story kicking around somewhere about unregulated chop shops dedicated to the creation of artificial lusus naturae.

  2. If memory serves, Suetonius claims that Tiberius had just such an operation in his Imperial basement, churning out fantastic monsters of all ages for banquet sideshows.

    For intertextuality’s sake, a line or two from “Lydia the Tattoo’d Lady” might work as corneal adornment. (What’s the matter with Yip? He’s all right!)

  3. Oh I love Yip. The Smiths too. My point was that The Smiths are ancient historical figures at best to ye emo kids–closer in time to Harburg than whatever’s on theirPods now.

    Can you give us chapter and verse on “Lydia”? I mostly remember the chorus.

    At least when Tiberius commissioned a freak, it was probably a pretty high-end customizing job that guaranteed employment for life.

  4. “Cornmeal adornment” would be apretty good name for a rock groupe.Probably wouldn’t be so great around the eyes, though.

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