Chicago Tribune, December 5, 1899. Sanitary and “health-promotive,” hmm? Well, they’re obviously not referring to that disgusting local casserole known deep-dish pizza, with its thick, indigestible layers of greasy cornmeal and bathtub caulking.
Oh, of course! We’re talking about the dish that made Chicago famous, protose pie! What, you’re never had the pleasure? Man, you’re missing out. Slabs of protose are practically all we eat here. That and Italian beef, which is actually protose marinated in kerosene.
Turns out even mince pie can be hygienic if taken along with the antidote. If you don’t have access to the health-promotive sand of Lake Michigan, I can hook you up with some at reasonable rates. The capsules aren’t strictly necessary–just add a tablespoon of sand to your mince before baking.
P.S. I just ran across this illuminating blog post about protose. NSBEL! (Not Safe Before Eating Lunch).