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Chicago Tribune, April 23, 1899. For a while there I was considering having my earthly remains hung up to season in a smokehouse, but now I’m think I’m leaning toward this anti-cryogenic scheme proposed by the ingenious Mr. George R. Seamans. I’m not 100% how it improves upon cremation as a means of dodging the dissection table and its attendant indignities, but it surely serves as a hedge against premature burial.


  1. “We’ve secretly replaced the regular cremains at this upscale funeral home with Seamans’ Crystals™. Can these discriminating mourners tell the difference? Let’s find out.”

    • That’s priceless. Knew I was doing this for a reason.

      “HP” as in Lovecraft? You share a similar sense of whimsy.

        • HP
        • Posted August 8, 2009 at 2:13 am
        • Permalink

        Re. Lovecraft’s sense of whimsy: “‘Help! Keep off, you cursed little tow-head fiend — keep that damned needle away from me!'”

        That line’s actually pretty funny, in context.

        • mrparallel
        • Posted August 8, 2009 at 4:00 pm
        • Permalink

        Herewith my 3-word distillation of his entire oeuvre: “Fish are gross.”

  2. “HP” are my actual, real-life initials. I got in the habit of signing personal notes that way on paper years ago, and kept it up when the Internet happened. The H does stand for Howard, though, and I will admit to having revisited Lovecraft’s works since his recent renaissance.

  3. The poor stiff doesn’t have to worry about rotting away in the earth with the worms and such.He can rot away – all 200 lbs. or so of him – in a rubber bag in the comfort of his survivors’ living room! It’s win-win.!

    • I guess I sort of thought he’d stay freeze-dried and thus relatively sanitary, but I suppose that doesn’t actually follow. In fact, the freezing-pulverization-thawing cycle could just be a fast track to liquification.

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