Pas mal méchant, ton affaire

Philadelphia Inquirer, February 3, 1885. Ciboire de tabernac, il aime pas trop les gosses, ce dingue la.

Fun while it lasted

Chicago Tribune, January 11, 1917. If only these kids had used their singular gifts to fight crime, not perpetrate it. No doubt it was the frequenting of “jazz cabarets” that steered them off the path of righteousness.

Renal, shunned

Associated Press, January 9, 1878. No idea whether these reports of the liver-eater’s demise were premature, though a guy named Liver Eating Johnson surely has got to go sometime . Anyway, this one was the inspiration for a hokey ’70s eco-Western starring Robert Redford, but the entire liver-eating angle somehow got lost along the way. Time for a remake, I think. Casey Affleck looks like he might eat your liver.

The justice of neighbors

Chicago Tribune, January 2, 1881. While the majority of Southern lynchings in this period were racially motivated, white ruralites could also get their coupons clipped if they played their cards wrong. This incident strikes me as a rough music that got out of hand: had the mob intended to kill Mr. Dove, the masks wouldn’t have been necessary. Wifebeaters and men who abused their children and horses were routinely targeted for this kind of correction back to colonial times, as was just about anyone widely regarded as an asshole in the surrounding community.

Thou anointeth my head with acid

New York Times, June 23, 1907. Armed with “squirt guns” full of acid, the bourgeoisie of Alliance, Ohio, terrorizes a camp meeting of glossolaliac holy rollers. Why? Who the hell knows? It’s all part of life’s rich pageantry.

Zeppelin dread

Detroit News, March 20, 1931. A fiendish commie plots to destroy our finest military dirigible. His target was softer than an eiderdown full of newborn kittens, but the guy somehow couldn’t get the job done. Over the jump we find law enforcement officials disagreeing as to continuing threat levels vis a vis America’s giant floating bags of explosive gas. Me, I’d have been worried whatsoever.