A decidedly weak story

Dallas Morning News, November 6, 1889. Time for some follow-up on that recovered memory-inflected FBAS (False Bender Arrest Syndrome) drama whereof we spake last month. Deviating from the journalistic norms of its day, the Dallas Morning News decided ahead of time that this story smells like bullshit. There can never be enough of this kind of skepticism, especially in journalism.

Surprise package

Washington Post, October 17, 1885. I dunno, preserved in alcohol in an air-tight box strikes me as pretty professional work.

“Genuine hair oil flavor”

Omaha World Herald, January 18, 1893. I vaguely recall seeing the Mince Pie Alarm Clocks open for the Brahms Vigilantes at the Filmore West.

Eeeeeek!

Grand Forks Daily Herald, September 18, 1909. Kee-rist, I’d pay just about any sum you could mention to avoid laying eyes on this homespun hellspawn. But Wilhelm Peterson is quite right about Denmark appreciating a freak. They worship Udo Kier as a god there, for instance.

Power lunch

Washington Post, March 11, 1907. Perhaps if our Treasury officials still ate mince pie while standing, we wouldn’t be in the fix we’re in. Then again, perhaps mince pie caused the Crash of ’29. Either way, note again the asserted primacy to mince over apple as the central pie of American life. And observe how hot mince is at once a fast-food staple and a perpetual source of mirth

Oh God, I could be bounded in a nutshell. . .

Chicago Tribune, May 15, 1921. “Mae Tinee” was Tribune’s film critic from 1915 to 1966. The secret of her astounding longevity? She was just a dopey, punning pseudonym (“matinee,” get it?) plus a chirpy style that any copy boy could emulate in a pinch. Anyway, here are some excerpts from her take on Robert Weine’s The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, which has been a favorite of mine since before I was in long pants. (True story: When I was nine Santa brought me a photo-illustrated copy of the screenplay plus interpretive essays. Best Christmas present ever. I hadn’t actually seen the movie at that point, just read about it in other books, so this was the next best thing to a repeatable private screening.)
Anyway, here’s the mince-pie money shot:

Before the “Twinkie defense,” part 2

Trenton Times, February 13, 1909. It just wouldn’t be probative if the guy had said ‘pumpkin’ or ‘lemon meringue.’