Tosser

Philadelphia Inquirer, June 19, 1893. It’s been a while since we’ve heard from the pH-imbalanced contingent. I don’t think I’ve run into a serial acid-thrower before.

Love at last sight

New York Times, September 12, 1925. This was too early for his favorite radio show to have been NBC’s The Court of Human Relations.

Coney Island maybe

New York Times, August 14, 1907. Tawana Brawley surely made stuff up, but she invented nothing. I’d say it was a lucky break for hostler William Engels that Bridget Dwyer flaked on her court appearance.

“I only wanted to disfigure him”

San Francisco Chronicle, September 23, 1921. So like a woman: having married the slob, she sets about to change him.

High plains jamboree

Chicago Defender, September 15, 1928. Even more than most dudes, Dr. Martin here should not have been stepping out on his wife. He’s the last word in gallant cavaliers, our Dr. Martin. My theory is that Dr. and Mrs. Martin were actually S&M buffs acting out some creepy, well-rehearsed power-exchange ritual. They probably went through a couple of school marms every year.

Lone Star hate

San Francisco Chronicle, July 28, 1918. I thought I could go cold turkey with the acid-throwing, but after 48 hours I’m seriously jonesing for a phial. But I’m not sure this actually is an acid-throwing incident. It makes no sense on any level, and the reporter’s use of the passive voice certainly doesn’t help. Assuming, for the sake of argument, that some sort of attack actually took place, how the hell was it determined that the assailant mistook the “poisonous acid” for some non-existent hybrid of roofies and eau de cologne? Was this testimony carefully coaxed out of poor Jim Brown before the mob strung him up? The fact that the alleged assault victim wasn’t “seriously injured” seems dodgy too. But that’s all par for course during the golden age of Southern-fried race lynchings.

The Texas town of Benhur seems to have acquired its name from the bestselling 1880 novel Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ. A deeply religious community, ostensibly.

Thou anointeth my head with acid

New York Times, June 23, 1907. Armed with “squirt guns” full of acid, the bourgeoisie of Alliance, Ohio, terrorizes a camp meeting of glossolaliac holy rollers. Why? Who the hell knows? It’s all part of life’s rich pageantry.

Get on the good foot

Atlanta Constitution, February 16, 1905. An inter-racial acid-toss from down Georgia way. I’m thinking that a chiropodist on a chain gang would have plenty of opportunity for pro bono service, but since this is the foot doctor’s second stretch in stripes and manacles, I guess he wasn’t extracting much spiritual growth from the experience. It’s interesting that the reporter for once took pains to explain why the perp was in possession of acid in the first place. Everybody else in America just happened to have a tumbler or bottle of acid at hand, but chiropodists pack it for a reason. Medical men, by the way, seem to have been exceptionally prone to throwing acid, as we shall see.

Burn, Wick, burn

San Francisco Chronicle, October 30, 1904. This isn’t the only case of collateral damage through mistaken identity I’ve run across in my acid-throwing researches. The upside, I guess, is that the victim would henceforth never again be mistaken for anybody else. I’m curious about this charge against telegrapher Jack Austin. Is it a crime in Washington to send letters to waitresses? Anyway, why wouldn’t he have send a telegram?

Uh, thanks, Ma.

San Francisco Chronicle, December 18, 1917. Sometimes an acid attack could be an expression of maternal devotion. I wonder if this young man mightn’t have been looking forward to shipping out Over There.